I started off this blog so stellar, but seemed to have lost my momentum. I haven’t told you very much about myself, so this might help you understand….
As I’ve stated we are in the process of relocating across the state. We need to sell our home before purchasing another and therefore are renting in the interim. Don’t get me wrong I am very thankful my husband and I both have jobs and we have a place to live, but this hasn’t been the easiest to say the least. I feel so disorganized and lost. We have our personal effects at our old home, in a storage unit and here at our rental. Seeing we are in Wisconsin and spring has finally arrived I need to transition to a warm weather wardrobe. However, our oldest daughter hit a growth spurt a couple of weeks ago and with having an infant last summer I did not have the time I would have liked to garage sale for this summer’s items.
We must have rented the most awkward apartment ever as there is not a single closet in this place. Who builds any sort of home without a closet! This one single item was something I thought we could do without as we thought our time here would be very limited and we would have no problem selling our home. We’ve been here going on five months, with our home not the market six months. I’m getting discouraged, frustrated and quite frankly depressed.
We don’t have a yard to maintain this summer and therefore no garden. There isn’t room here for my craft items and sewing machine so I’m a little lost. It’s as though I’ve lost my identity in this move. I had to close my eBay store because again we didn’t have the room for me to bring my inventory. I thought this would be okay, but seeing you don’t know me you wouldn’t know that the busier I am the happier I am.
I am a wife, mother of two, full-time employee, blogger, entrepreneur and a part-time graduate student. I find that I am never really satisfied and always on the lookout for the next best thing. I have already gone further than I had dreamed academically…..I am six credits from my graduate degree and have been thinking about continuing my education and pursuing a law degree or a pHd. The problem is…..I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. (haha!) My education was made possible by joining the United States Army Reserves in the last semester of high school. I’m a first generation undergraduate and had never thought about a master’s degree until I attended my undergraduate graduation. I had the pleasure of sitting behind the master’s graduates and got to witness them being hooded. I decided right then and there that I too would earn a hood. Two weeks later I was enrolled in a program.
I’m both resentful and thankful for this interim period. I’m thankful as we have had a lot more time on the weekends to explore the new area and be together as a family. However, I’m resentful that my life has changed so drastically and I had not prepared myself better. I’ve never moved since having children and did not realized how involved this move would be. I am currently commuting 2 hours daily to work, and as I stated earlier I’ve lost my identity.
I literally go to and from work, to make dinner, do baths, and homework before collapsing into bed dog tired. There are is no time for crafts, eBay, blogging, photography…..the things that give me pleasure. There is no alone time to sit and reflect on my day. There is no time to sit and relax. I miss the feeling of “home,” cooking as a family, working in my flower beds, working out, doing laundry in my spare time and sitting out the patio at the end of it all and enjoying an adult beverage. I know ¬†we’ll be there again so and this is only a small amount of time, but it seems to be dragging on much longer than anticipated.
I’ve never really been a patient person, so maybe this is all happening for a reason? I know I need to relax and just take things day by day. I was speaking with an acquaintance this week about our situation and she told me this, “stop beating yourself up, as you made the best decisions you could, at the time, with the information you had.” Why this is brilliant. Yes, how could I have known that moving would have been so complex, but it’s easier said than done.
Given the nature of my new job, I need to be cautious when making friends. I have a higher level, confidential position and there are 400 new “friends” eager to meet me. Or are they? They all seemed to swing by my desk my first couple weeks and introduce themselves, and as a lot of nosey questions. Now that I’ve been there two months and aren’t exactly as warm and fuzzy as they initially anticipated they stopped coming around. I’m okay with this. However, in the process of this move I’ve also lost my two best friends. Well one of them is still there for me and we talk on occasion , but the other is gone completely. I don’t have many friends and it’s for a reason. I don’t like drama and I won’t tolerate it! I am in a new city, with a new job, my children are in new schools, I spend all my free time in the car and now I have no friends. I have my husband, but there are just somethings I don’t want to talk to him about right now.
I don’t know how to tell him that I am not enjoying life, presently. I don’t care for my new job and feel as though I was mislead during interviewing. It is not the picture that was painted. I do not like our apartment, the neighbors or the town. I do not like the endless rides in the car. I cannot stand that even if we wanted to go out and do something that we have no one in the area that we know or trust enough to leave our children with. For the first time in my adult life, I feel trapped. ¬†I think the part that is the most frustrating for me is that there is nothing I can do to change our current situation. I cannot force someone to purchase our home. My entire life is a big game of dominos right now. As soon as our home is purchased our new life can begin.
As soon as the spring semester is over and I pass this god awful class maybe things will start to look up. This isn’t one of my proudest comments, but I failed this particular class last semester. It was never my intention to enroll immediately this semester, but when we found out we were moving I didn’t have much of a choice. The program I am enrolled in is a hybrid. However, the course offerings rotate between three physical locations and online. I had taken this course in-person last semester. It was offered online this semester and then not online again for two years. I should have graduated this semester, but when I failed the class by literally a few points my graduation was delayed. I think I’m bitter.
The opportunity to return to college and pursue my undergraduate degree presented itself in 2009 when the organization both my husband and I were working for announced that due to the recession they were closing. I researched and learn that by utilizing the programs available to me that I could make just as much money returning to school as I had been working full-time. I went back to college in the fall of 2009 and have been going summer, fall, interim, and winterim ever since. I’m ready to be done. I say that, but in the next breathe I am already trying to figure out what to do with myself I successfully complete the program. Hence my earlier statement that I am never satisfied.
Everything happens for a reason and one day (hopefully in the near future) we will be able to look back on this period of time and laugh. However, for the time being I’m trying not to wish away this time, as I understand my children are only going to be little once. There is a short amount of time that they are willing to hold my hand and snuggle me, before they too become grown up and go one their way. It’s just so hard because I want both time to pass by so I can get back to the way things were, but to also relish in the moment and enjoy my family. I guess I sit back and enjoy the ride.
Thanks for giving me an outlet to get this all out. Like I said once this graduate class is over I will get back to writing more about our adventures.